well, it was hard for me to formulate a real answer when you asked me why this has been stressful. but here is the answer that comes closest to an approximation of the truth.

-it's complicated, but a lot of it has to do with the relationship i have with my sister. that simplifies things a lot, but for me, that is truly at the heart of it. and a lot of things stem in this complex web of confusion and upset from the fact that she and i do not get along like so well- or, more honestly, that i am still so angry with her.
i have been able to live with all of this in the back of my mind for a long time, and coming together like this, as a family, makes it impossible to ignore it. or, being in such close proximity with everyone makes me feel even more guilty about living without thinking so much about the way she and i treat each other. or, about the way i treat her; about the way i have been treated by her.

and i'm so tired of all of this shit.
and i want to be selfish.

and i'm so over the way my mother handles a lot of this; the way she acts. she becomes a child, and i want to treat her the way i would treat a child who behaves with me the way she does. but i can't, because she is my mother.

this entry sucks a fat dick. this blog is not about this real bullshit and i apologize for posting this; i'll take it down, probably, but, you know, sometimes i want to say these things but i almost never do. allow me this one infraction.