it's been a while since i've been here

Hi.
This is about last night.
-- I have not been well. The past two months have shattered me, and I am recently feeling like it's okay to start putting myself back together. A lot of things have gone wrong; but also, a lot of things have been going right in the past two weeks. And none of this belongs to you, none of this has anything to do with what you have done. But when I get drunk and I spread it, honey over a coffee table, molasses into you hair, it becomes about you. And I'm sorry, because it's melodramatic and unnecessary. And I'm ashamed, because I talk a lot about how to be direct and honest and good- and, when it comes down to it, I am not that way, myself. But know this: I am trying. I am trying so hard you can't see it.
I need you to know that last night was a mistake. I need you to know that it means that I trust you, finally. But it also means that what I have been saving from you between the black leather walls of my journal is beginning to leak out, from my lips and from my tear ducts. It has been leaking for a long time now- and I have decided to put it up. Finally.
Why now? Because before this, I didn't feel okay with you knowing how much I had begun to hate myself. Because before this, I was worried about losing you before I even had you. But I know now, I have realized by now, that if I let this go on in the squirreled, curled up and secretive way that it has, I will loose you, too. And I'm sorry but I feel more loved by you than by anything I have ever had before- and I need that. Which is selfish, and you have no obligation to any of this- but maybe you have a right to know.
Come back here in a little while, and it'll be up.
Thanks.
Liz