I said this to Nick already
and yes, before you ask, this is me talking (usually it isn't, truly, though I know you don't believe that)-
And I hate this kind of writing, as I've said here before (but I deleted that post, didn't I, because it was this kind of writing)
But the point is- I am so totally filled with this feeling--

It would be so easy for the feeling to be expressed as: Or, I'd hit myself in the face for all the stupid fucking things I've done.
Because I would. If I wasn't so lazy. Because I have done so much stupid shit, and I hate it, I hate remembering it; it feels like watching a video of myself doing something embarrassing, and not being able to laugh about it. And all that stupid shit, it's lead me here, and I'm not really sure if this is where I want to be. In fact, I know it isn't. And that's what I write about, here and everywhere else: about where I would be if I hadn't done all the stupid things I've done, and if I could just hit myself in the face; and about where I want to be, or where I wish I wanted to be, or where I think you are. That is what I write about. And I do it seriously. I take it seriously; and when I write, I am intentional. I know just exactly what I'm doing (which is part of what I mean when I say: I eat what I slaughter- but not at all the full extent of it).

Anyway that's not at all what I cam here to say.

What I came here to tell you is that I made a choice. I made this choice a couple of months ago, and I'm just now realising that it means more than I thought. It sounds stupid, it sounds like something a lost-in-the-clouds fuck-up would say to herself on her 15th birthday, but the choice was as follows: I feel like I have been presented with all the things in my life, spread out on a table for me to look at. And there were two feelings to be had about it. Either I hate it, and hate myself, and spend my time hitting myself in the face; or, I rejoice. So I chose rejoice. I chose.

At the time I first said that to myself, I thought it just meant, working harder to be happy. And that is part of it, a huge fucking chunk of it. But it's more, too. It's: living. Because I haven't been doing that. I haven;t been living- I've been sitting in my room looking at the internet. I've been tricking myself into thinking that I've been enjoying my time, but I haven't, I've just been bored. I now see that choosing rejoice means deciding to live, to really do it. To spend my time, not waste it. I want to spend every waking moment doing something, I never want to check my facebook or fucking hipinion ever again. I want to spend hours upon end at the library. I want to get my shit done, and then when I'm not working I want to be either taking pictures, or writing, or drawing, or having sex. I never want to be doing anything but using my energy in this passionate, intense way I just discovered. I want to go to bed feeling fucking exhausted every single night. I want to know, to really fucking know! that I haven't wasted a single fucking second. I want to expend myself, spread myself thin and spring back up on you, because I can, because I have chosen. Do you understand? You don't. I'm not being very good at explaining anything right now. I want to do drugs with you, and be fucking glad all the time. Okay? Don't answer that, I don't need you to. I'm just going to this; something in my fucking chemistry has changed, and I dont need you at all, I know now that I never have. I can get off on my own fucking excitement. I just want to do this right, because this is the only chance I'm going to get and I'm not going to fuck it up. Or rather, I'm not going to keep fucking it up. I'm going to fucking do this. I haven't really said anything that I want to say here, but I'm going to post it anyway, as a reminder to myself that I want to start living, even though I haven;t defined that the way I really want to, and as a reminder to you that I am fucking perfect, and that you're never going to meet anyone with like me ever again, and that I am fucking perfect. You don't get it, you never will, but the thing is: I'm more, and better, than anything or anyone else. I didn't know that, not really, until right now, this very second. Too bad I hadn;t fully decided not to be so lazy until just now. I was just being lazy before this, you know, sitting around, not moaning and groaning, not saying anything, not really caring if I came or not. But now I do care. I really fucking care. I'm done being so lazy; fuck that. Fuck that. I'm on fucking fire, I'm burning the fuck up.