Why can't I write to you? Why can't I speak to you? Why can't I translate these synaptic transmissions into words?This used to be the easiest part. This recording of emotions, the naming of feelings and thoughts. But I can't do it for you. is it because I was burned by that impulse in February? been told so often not to fall in love, been laughed at too many times for telling the truth
is it because I'm afraid of how much it's going to hurt when you go? (it'll hurt whether or not I write it down, I know)



I memorised it, as humiliating as that is, :

Because I found this the way I found you: raggedy-edged and glorious,
Darling. Tender. Terribly important.
I'll never forget you, bright illustrious cosmic force.

Boundless love,

all i can think is how easily that must've slipped out of her,
i know that feeling (how many love notes did i write to julian? how many to james and to jacob?)
but
it's that middle part that really gets me: darling. tender. terribly important.
and the part where she said, i'll never forget you.

why does it cleave me so?

because it implies for her something enduring and thickly felt. and because those words, darling, tender, are words i would never have thought of. because, try as i might, i can't produce anything similar: my attempt would be in imitation and i just can't make words coagulate like that for you. and that's something i'm actively struggling with. the incompetence of language is not something i am used to running up against. it makes me anxious that i can't put this on paper. why can't i? this worries me, this dumbness. i write you out and it's clunky, inaccurate, i use the delete key more than anything else. is it my closeness?
am i just saturated with you? in that case, i fear the inevitable flood when you go. i'll be drowning in salt & squared pages before you even land.

see even this post sounds like a fucking--
speech or someshit
i have some good combinations of words going (thickly felt; make words coagulate; being saturated with you) but the rest of the paragraph reads like some stupid bitch with a heavy heart wrote it. and yes, i know, i am just some stupid bitch with a heavy heart, but usually i can make it sound better than that.
and not being able to write it down means it's all just sitting in my body cavity, soaking and accruing and getting heavy. so heavy. hard to lift.
and the quality of this writing is just, embarassing. i want to write something beautiful and clear-eyed so that you will know how i feel. i can't even end this fucking post elegantly. shit.
its not done yet but go ahead.
WHY!?