because all my life i've been crying about one thing or another, and this, this this this this this thisthisthisthisthisthis is one thing i refuse to be sad about
because i needed clear eyes to look at you with
to drink you in
and burn the image of your face onto my brain (that scares me the most, what if i forget what you look like, you you you you you you you youyouyouyouyouyouyouyou you bright illustrious cosmic force)
and then on the train even before i find a seat i am sobbing
and then the train is filled with salt water, my own secreted ocean
and then at home the first thing i do is put on your shirt and the hat you gave me
and my big headphones
and into my ears comes herstory of glory and then the room is flooded with salt water
and yechen is reading about the stock market and i fucking hate her so much, i want to say to her, why can't you just leave me alone? why can't you understand that the most beautiful thing just happened to me? why can't you just get the fuck out of here? why can't you leave and let me lie in these sheets and this shirt pretending i can still smell him?
i can't feel my face
and these little sounds are escaping my throat, sounds i've never made before
my hands already miss the feel of your face
i'm sorry, i don't know why i couldn't cry, none of this feels real, none of this feels like it happened, did it happen? did i have you and are you gone? in the car when you put on that song it felt like everything i've ever felt was welling up in my extremities, this burning adrenaline rush of sadness swelling my capilaries and the tears just spilled out onto my face as if i had no choice, i had no choice, and my jaw muscles hurt because i bit down so hard trying to stop myself, why couldn't i cry at the station?
and now you're shaving
and packing up, moving out
i love you so much