i wrote this, december 18 2008
it's about you, nicholas.

Let me tell you- how much I have come to love you over the course of our entire relationship- these past two weeks.
I love you in a lot of ways. I love you when I see you in passing. I love you when I send you pictures of things, and these pictures I send you are really just ways of saying: I love you. Because I need you to know it, and I need you to know that you are lovable in every way. Because I need to remember that I am capable of loving, it has been so long, even though I have been loved. Oh, you!

Here, with the sun in my eyes, I cannot remember a time when I did not love you. I remember a time when you were absent, your absence being the manifestation of my love for you, your absence being the underneath consciousness of my ability to love you despite your goneness. here, with the sun in my eyes, I recognise that I knew I was waiting for you to arrive, I recognise the feeling of your absence as my waiting to begin loving you, and through that, I realise that I am waiting for many more people to arrive so that I can begin loving them, I have been waiting to be conscious of peoples' presences rather than their absences, I am waiting, where are they? where were you?

i am slowly waking from a long and tedious sleep. a sleep from which i had convinced myself that it was impossible to wake.
and oh i have
missed the most
beautiful things
i have been so
totally empty
for so long and

and now i am filling up.
i can feel myself appreciating things.
and i am so so so
scared, I am terrified
and elated beyond
anything i have ever (striked out)
many things.
I feel as though I am going to do something drastic and brave.