So what you're asking me is, Why did I go over there?
I wasn't thinking. Or rather, I was thinking that my heart hurt and that I wanted to get fucked up on as many drugs I could. And I knew his yay connection was pretty alright, and that he'd pay, as long as I brought the beer. I forgot that I would also be expected to bring the pussy.
His apartment was spotless.
He was very kind.
But then he picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. There are some things no one should ever know.
I said, I'm sorry but I can't.
I said, I have done this before. I said, I got hurt.
He said, I didn't know that. I laughed, even though I knew he was serious.
He said, you can tell me to do the things he does.
This made me feel sick to my stomach. I said, There are some things that do not belong to you anymore.
He said, you can call out his name if you want.
I began to cry.
I tugged at the corners of my skirt. I took off my shoes. He watched me take my hair down. He said, you are usually so full of joy. The smile on my face said, I am so sad.
He asked to see my boobs and I thought, it's the least I can do.
His guy never called him back. I suspect that was never on the books in the first place. Another deal I got burned on.
We lay down and I turned away.
He said, I can't even touch you now?
My body shook, my hands in fists between my breasts. I closed my eyes. The salt spilled over anyway.
He pulled me over to face him. His fingers were at the elastic of my underwear.
There are some things you should never know.

He said, I don't love her anymore.
My belly sunk, and I understood, not for the first time and not for the last, why he wanted me.
All this hurt and all he can do is give me her jewlery and ask me to tell him he's perfect again.

(in collaboration with wag scala)