it's okay, you are the only person who reads my blog, too!
what i was really trying to say earlier is that putting yourself out there is the most important thing about this activity. for me, anyway. writing in a journal is totally different because it's secret and shit. this is public. it's horrifying. and yet, so cool; why write if not to be read? so that, in conjunction with what i said to you earlier, is why i need to read your blog. this is something we do for each other, this reading.
I wrote about Abraham, but it was shit. I'll re-do it, and this time he'll be better. I'll be better.
iloveyou
20090129
20090127
When I woke up the morning after, I cut all my hair off, which was a shame, probably.
Then I ate breakfast, and in my head, I had this picture of me that was taken the morning after my senior prom, and in it I look like some kind of animal. I think so anyway. In the picture, I'm eating cereal and I have this look on my face, like I'm about to do something wild. But really I was just hungover and thirsty. That how I imagine I always look. That picture's usually in my head, to be honest. It's how I picture my self when I do things, like when I'm at the gym trying to visualise how I must look, all sweaty and exhausted, in my mind I look like that wild animal eating cereal.
When I got to work there weren't any comfortable chairs left in the student space, so I took a black plastic folding chair from behind the door. I sat down and stared into space, because there isn't anything to do there anyway, and this way I'm proving my father wrong because, basically, I'm getting paid for sitting on my ass. So, fuck you Dad, I am getting something for nothing. I noticed that it smelled like beef stew, the good kind that my mother used to make when I was a kid. I think they pump the smell into the office so make all the employees feel at home.
Marcy and Dale stopped by the student space, of which I am coordinator, to say good morning, and to ask me why I was at work. You don't have to be here, they said. It's summer vacation. No students will be in their space today. I replied with a look which implied dedication to my position. They said, what did you do to your hair? What a shame, they said. You had such pretty hair.
Then I ate breakfast, and in my head, I had this picture of me that was taken the morning after my senior prom, and in it I look like some kind of animal. I think so anyway. In the picture, I'm eating cereal and I have this look on my face, like I'm about to do something wild. But really I was just hungover and thirsty. That how I imagine I always look. That picture's usually in my head, to be honest. It's how I picture my self when I do things, like when I'm at the gym trying to visualise how I must look, all sweaty and exhausted, in my mind I look like that wild animal eating cereal.
When I got to work there weren't any comfortable chairs left in the student space, so I took a black plastic folding chair from behind the door. I sat down and stared into space, because there isn't anything to do there anyway, and this way I'm proving my father wrong because, basically, I'm getting paid for sitting on my ass. So, fuck you Dad, I am getting something for nothing. I noticed that it smelled like beef stew, the good kind that my mother used to make when I was a kid. I think they pump the smell into the office so make all the employees feel at home.
Marcy and Dale stopped by the student space, of which I am coordinator, to say good morning, and to ask me why I was at work. You don't have to be here, they said. It's summer vacation. No students will be in their space today. I replied with a look which implied dedication to my position. They said, what did you do to your hair? What a shame, they said. You had such pretty hair.
20090126
Well, I broke the bottom button of my favourite jacket.
This always happens to me. And then I bought an italian soda at the cafe across the street from the dentist's, and the soda was so cold, and so sugary, that it fucking hurt when I sucked it through the straw. I dropped a quarter down into the gutter when I was running for the bus. I needed that quarter. Without it, I only had 75 cents, and that isn't enough to do anything or go anywhere. Not anymore. My dad remembers when cigarettes cost 50 cents though. Now they're nine dollars in the city. Fucking ridiculous.
And a teenaged boy called me a dyke as we passed each other on the sidewalk. I knew flannel was a terrible idea with this haircut.
This always happens to me. And then I bought an italian soda at the cafe across the street from the dentist's, and the soda was so cold, and so sugary, that it fucking hurt when I sucked it through the straw. I dropped a quarter down into the gutter when I was running for the bus. I needed that quarter. Without it, I only had 75 cents, and that isn't enough to do anything or go anywhere. Not anymore. My dad remembers when cigarettes cost 50 cents though. Now they're nine dollars in the city. Fucking ridiculous.
And a teenaged boy called me a dyke as we passed each other on the sidewalk. I knew flannel was a terrible idea with this haircut.
20090125
"That wasn't a very good movie."
She spat her gum out onto the sidewalk, and I stepped in it. I noticed again how perfectly she fit into her dress, and I shuddered, because my body'd never been carefully considered the way I considered hers. And that's what makes us feel lonely, isn't it? The fact that the people whose flesh we treasure above everything else have never even noticed the colour of our eyes. God damn.
In the taxi, she went on to explain just why exactly that movie hadn't been very good, and while she talked I imagined what I would do if I wasn't stuck inside myself all the time. I'd hit her square in the face. And then I'd kiss her, and then she'd love me. Or, I'd take her back to my room and get her drunk. Or, I'd get out of the cab at the next light and change my phone number.
The cab stopped at a red, and that rising feeling of rule-breaking began to expand in my chest, making my fingers itch. My vision went dizzy for a second, exactly like the second before I yell at my sister. But I sat still. Anyway, my phone number has a nice ring to it, 690 990 9906. Easy to remember.
Or, I'd hit myself in the face for all the stupid fucking things I've done, like telling Jean Fisch I had a crush on her in the seventh grade.
What happened was she stopped the taxi outside of Yogurt Park, and we got a large vanilla frozen yogurt with gummy bears on top. We shared it sitting on the bench outside her building, and when she got a brain freeze, we threw it away. Then she put another piece of gum in her mouth, which means Don't kiss me, and I hated her but told her I'd call her tomorrow.
She spat her gum out onto the sidewalk, and I stepped in it. I noticed again how perfectly she fit into her dress, and I shuddered, because my body'd never been carefully considered the way I considered hers. And that's what makes us feel lonely, isn't it? The fact that the people whose flesh we treasure above everything else have never even noticed the colour of our eyes. God damn.
In the taxi, she went on to explain just why exactly that movie hadn't been very good, and while she talked I imagined what I would do if I wasn't stuck inside myself all the time. I'd hit her square in the face. And then I'd kiss her, and then she'd love me. Or, I'd take her back to my room and get her drunk. Or, I'd get out of the cab at the next light and change my phone number.
The cab stopped at a red, and that rising feeling of rule-breaking began to expand in my chest, making my fingers itch. My vision went dizzy for a second, exactly like the second before I yell at my sister. But I sat still. Anyway, my phone number has a nice ring to it, 690 990 9906. Easy to remember.
Or, I'd hit myself in the face for all the stupid fucking things I've done, like telling Jean Fisch I had a crush on her in the seventh grade.
What happened was she stopped the taxi outside of Yogurt Park, and we got a large vanilla frozen yogurt with gummy bears on top. We shared it sitting on the bench outside her building, and when she got a brain freeze, we threw it away. Then she put another piece of gum in her mouth, which means Don't kiss me, and I hated her but told her I'd call her tomorrow.
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